Wednesday, February 13, 2008

"Yeah, I'm in Porn"

La Profesora: Your grades are slipping, Brody. If you don’t bring them up, then I’m going to have to fail you and you won’t get credit for this class.
Brody: But Profesora, if I don’t pass this class, then I won’t be able to graduate.
La Profesora: Well you see, Brody, I can’t just pass you. You haven’t done enough work in this class to warrant a good grade.
Brody: What if I do some sort of extra credit? Is there any way we can work this out?
La Profesora: [undoing the top buttons of her blouse] Oh…I’m sure we could work something out.

Now, I want to ask you: do you think that when porn producers make these movies that they just come up with a bunch of cliché scenes and say, “Hey, actor and actress (or multiples of each, depending on the situation), just say some stupid shit to each other and then get to the sexin’ and screamin’”? No. In fact, they have an entire staff of writers that come up with the 3-5 minute skits that set the premise for the half an hour of hardcore sex to follow. You know Brody Horsecock is going to rail La Profesora…but you need to know why he intends to rail her.

Desire. It is the single most important thing in any writer’s repertoire. If you can’t create the desire to read/watch more of a piece, then it’s destroyed. Even in the world of porn, there are occasions where we want to use our imaginations and live out that fantasy that somewhere there is a horny, undersexed, mid 20s house wife who will jump the first man that says hi to her. As men, we dream of that moment. Hitting on women in awkward public mediums (the mall, car to car, street corners) in such a direct fashion never works. You can’t go up to a woman and have the following conversation ensue:

Me: “Hey, how are you?”
Woman: “Oh, alright. I’m just here at the mall because my husband’s gone all day. He never pays attention to me at home.”
Me: “Oh really? That’s tragic.”
Woman: “Hey, do you want to get out of here and have lots of hardcore sex?”
Me: “Does a bear shit in the woods?”

That will never, ever happen in your or my lifetime. However, every man hopes that it will.

Porn changes all of this. In the fantastical world of porn, every woman will have sex with you in a moment’s notice and every man has a ginormous penis that makes them appear to me a half man, half horse hybrid. Sort of like a Centaur gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Now, especially if you are my mother and reading this, you are probably wondering “Why the fuck is Jason talking about porn and porn fantasies? Does this have a point? Is he just doing a self referential journey into why men love porn?”

Ladies and Gentlemen, those writers who come up with those 3-5 minute skits to establish these fantasies, prior to bumping uglies? I interviewed to be one of those writers the other day.

Naughty America is the name of the website. The ad said they were looking for a Creative Writer/Content Editor, which is right up my alley. Upon searching for “Naughty America” on Google, I came across The Naughty American, a sex-themed online publication that gives you news with a sexual twist. Awesome. If you know me (hell, if you just read this site occasionally) than you’d realize I thought this was the perfect job for me. Writing about sex and sex related stories, what could be better? I mean, I have to be writing for the online publication part of it. No one seriously writes that trivial bullshit before porn stars fuck each others’ brains out, right?

Wrong. Very wrong.

Not only does it take a writer to come up with these ideas, it takes an entire team of writers, both male and female. Actually, the person who was the director of the writing staff and interviewed me was a woman. (No, we did not have sex. We were both professionals…except when I smirked when she asked if I was “comfortable with adult content.”) This did not surprise me at all, because studies show that women are much more in tune with the story telling part of sex. When’s the last time a bunch of guys went into every detail of their night with their girlfriend? Exactly. But this also means that she too likes porn. She also had a lot of trouble holding eye contact with me. Her eyes were fluttering all over the room. I’ll touch on this later.

So I interviewed to be part of this writing team. She explained the job to me in greater detail. The morning would start in the meeting room, watching and reviewing other porn that has been done recently; gathering ideas and seeing where the industry is progressing and modeling our story lines to accommodate this. The writing staff would then throw ideas around for different scenes and situations. Then, the director of the writing staff (girl who interviewed me) would assign each writer 3-4 assignments covering any number of the fetishes they have. The rest of the day would be spent writing these scenes and watching more porn movies that were recently finished, serving a post production role (in her words: making sure there’s not a foot where there shouldn’t be a foot).

So all day I would be watching, writing, and thinking about sex. I get to think about sex all day, but I don’t get to have any. How fucking depressing is that? The amount of sexual frustration I would experience everyday would be mind blowing (haha…blowing).

Why couldn’t the interviewer make eye contact with me? Because she was too God damn preoccupied thinking about sex that she just went into a robotic description of porn and what the company does.

Do the writers just have a big orgy at the end of every day? Do the porn stars come in and “ease the stress” of our days? Do I get a private office with an abundance of hand lotion and tissues? What does the janitor of this place think when he comes in the evening to clean everything? Is the lonely secretary waiting for him at night? Do they have sex? Should I apply to be the janitor of the building and have the greatest janitorial job ever?

Hardly. It’s difficult to imagine telling my friends, family, future acquaintances and employers that I worked in the porn industry. Really kids, that’s what I’m getting in to here: The Porn Industry. I always joked when I was younger that, if times get tough, “I’ll just go into porn.” Now, here I am, staring the porn industry right in the face (fully clothed).

Through all of this I have to stop and ask myself, “Is this my life?” Even though I’ve been a job slut, going through one shitty job after another, thinking it will get me somewhere, I’ve been doing it all in San Diego. While I’m sure this “living on the West Coast” thing is going to leave me financially fucked, it has most definitely been an adventure. And somehow I wound up in Naughty America’s office, interviewing to be the writer that gives these porn stars the witty and intelligent (HA) dialogue they are known for. I would get to tell porn stars what to say. Awesome.

Sadly, I had to decline this position because, while it would be pretty awesome to tell everyone that I write porn scripts, it won’t be funny to my next employer who certainly doesn’t want to hire me, since I’ll be tainted by sex. Sigh…the sad reality of things you have to consider when growing up.

4 comments:

Mariana said...

neat-o

Doug Sorito said...

Hey, I edit The Naughty American.
This was pretty funny.

Amy said...

Um, you turned down the position? No. You didn't even make it to the second round of interviews. And if I couldn't make eye contact with you, it was because your stares were making me uncomfortable.

But keep spreading the love, stud. My job is way better than yours.

Michael said...

Hey! I got the job that you say you turned down. The people I work with are the best! I feel very lucky.

Now in my interview, the "gal" told me we didn't write scripts, as we don't. Your version adds a little something to your story though.

Best of luck to you!