Monday, October 6, 2008

Hunting and Gathering

Back in the day (when the women were just as hairy as the men and the closest thing to lingerie you were going to get as a birthday present was a new loincloth fashioned from the finest bison) if you were a man that could hunt, you were considered more viable amongst the females. Now, I actually live right next to a grocery store. This means I should be getting more ass than anyone else in San Diego. I’m a provider! Look at how close to a major food source I am! And watch my amazing skills of going downstairs, grabbing a cart, and “hunting” the food. I even have men to bag up my kill for me. God, I am so awesome.

Do you have good looks? A sense of humor? Are you intelligent and well read? Are you loaded and attract women with your money? Yeah, fuck that, I live next to a grocery store. Just give up now, because I’m going to sleep with your girlfriend.

Your Girlfriend: Oh Jason, you’re so awesome. I mean, you brought me coffee and cereal this morning, then you ran out to get deli meat for lunch, and then, for dinner, you hunted down some steak from the freezer.
Me: Yeah, I know, I am awesome.
Your Girlfriend: You’re a real man that can provide for a lady, not like my boyfriend who has a good job, intelligence, good looks, and drives a nice car. I mean, he lives in a gated community. How am I supposed to find hazelnut coffee if I’m trapped behind a gate?
Me: You know what else I got at the grocery store?
Your Girlfriend: What?
Me: Condoms.
Your Girlfriend: Oh Jason, I love you and your proximity to the grocery store!

We are all still animals at heart, and the simple fact that I can provide for women better than you will catapult me into Hugh Heffner-esque glory. Actually, I’m pretty sure there is a grocery store right next to the Playboy Mansion. What happens after lots of sex and photo shoots all day? Models have to eat…wait…never mind, I just killed my own point there. But do you think Mr. Heffner has a ton of women because he is rich, lives in a mansion, and owns an empire? Fuck no, it’s because he lives next to a grocery store, or at the very a least, a 7-11.

Do you know why being a hippie vegan, vegetarian, or “cheating vegetarian**” means that you don’t have a lot of sex? Because they only make use of ONE AILSE in the grocery store: the produce aisle/section. Without using the entire grocery store, they fail to realize their ultimate attractiveness potential. Therefore, vegans aren’t sexy. (And remember guys, as the great saying goes: She’s not a vegetarian if she sucks dick. Tiffany has slapped me for saying this. It was worth every finger mark left on my face) Hear that vegans? Start eating meat, or else you’re not getting laid. Be human for fuck’s sake. We don’t have sharp pointed teeth so we can chew lettuce like a fucking cow, we have them so we can nibble on nipples, ears, and other fleshy parts before, during, and after sex….but, since you’re a vegan, you wouldn’t know anything about that. Enjoy your salad.

**Cheating Vegetarians are the Little John of the vegan world. Little John proclaims himself to be a “rapper,” yet, I don’t think he has ever actually rapped. He has only said “YEAH!!!” and “OK!!!!” on a few tracks. So, occasionally deciding to not eat meat because you are proclaiming yourself to be a vegetarian makes you suck as much at life as Little John. Do you not eat meat? “YEAH!!!!!” How do you feel about salad? “OK!!!!!” And yes, I know I have multiple friends that do this. I still love them, but I love meat more**

Furthermore, because I live next to a grocery store, I can’t just buy the same thing every time and be satisfied. I need variety and changes of pace in my life. Ramen every night for dinner gets old, so that’s why I’ve branched out to Hamburger Helper. My dynamic quality of constantly living on the edge will drive women crazy.

Your Girlfriend: Beef, Chicken, and SHRIMP flavored Ramen?! Wow…did I tell you earlier how good you look?
Me: No. Did I tell you earlier about my assortment of Hamburger AND Chicken Helper?
Your Girlfriend: *Squeal of joy as she takes off my belt*

Also, when a single man is shopping by himself in a grocery store, women immediately take notice. Never underestimate the power of a case of beer in one hand and a basket filled with cereal, bread, and peanut butter in the other. “Sure, he’s cheap,” they’ll think, “but he is clearly a young professional. All the money he is saving at the grocery store he can use to take me out on dates, start a family, buy me something shiny, etc.” Girls, listen up, cheap beer in mass amounts = commitment. Just because I like to drink Natty Light at 23 does not make me an alcoholic, it makes me a responsible man who is planning for the future, where I will use the money I saved on beer to take care of the woman I plan to spend the rest of my life with…so stop giving me shit and drink watered down beer with me. I’m only doing this because I love you…and maybe Natty Light, too.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” you say. “You woo women with Natty Light and your shitty apartment next to the grocery store?”

I have a place to live and fornicate.
I have beer.
I live next to a place where you can get food until midnight.
I have more beer.

Try it. No one thought the Vatican was anything special, until one day the Catholics came up with this whole “Jesus turned water into wine” stuff and everyone got to drink wine at church. Next thing you know, catholic school girls the world over are visiting the Vatican. What’s next to the Vatican?

Yep, a grocery store. Actually…TWO grocery stores:

“Near the Vatican Museums, this market in Via Andrea Doria is inexpensive. Metro A: Ottaviano. Quite near to it is the market in Via delle Milizie, past the intersection with Viale Angelico (bus 490, 495, first stop after the intersection with Viale Angelico). You can also walk from the Vatican to both markets.”

Suddenly…the Pope looks kind of sexy, doesn’t he?